Light after the darkness

 After not being able to tolerate the intense myalgia and unbearable pain, often my body quivers and shakes in confusion and my thoughts sink into an all-time low.

  As I prepare my resume for another job and on LinkedIn see how friends and juniors have gone up the ladder and I can't hold onto a single wrung, forget ever working like the smart girl I used to be, I feel huge waves of sorrow come up and engulf me. No I can't run to my heart's content, can't play volleyball or pick children and laugh and jump with them like old days. When siblings and friends cook a storm up, I am still trying to fumble with rotting legs trying to finish one dish for the kids' meal. I look at their energy and laughter and mirth and see my own being swallowed up with time. I  stand at the road side and watch folks swirl their cars with pride, yet I console my heart that we cant get behind the wheel right now and gently rub those dreams off my mind.

There is a stunning silence inside that lasts sometimes for days and yet I try to quieten my soul carefully so that I don't exert and hyperventilate. I limp and lay in suffering and aches, no thoughts of flowers, my dog or children enter that breathless space. I shift in and out of conscious and a groanful prayer escapes my thoughts but often anger in pain. Somewhere amidst my gloom, the ones that hold my heart and hands come together to comfort me and we know God is standing with us in that embrace. And then the light comes...

The pain slows down, the breathing gets better and panic goes somewhere under cover. Verses jump out of the Bible or from some conversations that fling powerful arrows of hope into me. Sometimes God surrounds me with songs. At times my vigor and strength spike and I feel the prayers of loved ones go up like incense into the skies. 

 And last day this quote by a pastor stuck with me as she taught from the word of God~

'You might be like Jehoshaphat outnumbered. But you're never outpowered.'

Amen! I read and re-read the Word and Joshua 1:7 strengthened me even more. I lift my head high and walk around with a smile only because of God's light that shines into me and I know that light will come upon you too my friend if you will lookup to Jesus. Look to his wonderful face and be radiant , be filled with his fragrance.

I promise you despite the setback, God will fill your heart with hope and joy and purpose again. Until the day when we are home in heaven away from all these woes, He will continue to carry us in His everlasting arms.